I wrote my way to true love

“You should stop writing these stupid movie scripts and write about your life, it's so much more interesting.” Janine, my hypnotherapist, was not being unkind. She just had no filter. And she was right. That was the most infuriating thing about Janine my hypnotherapist. She was always right.

I had just gotten a three-picture deal with Disney. Well, it wasn't really a three-picture deal. They hired me to write a script for one of their moronic ideas (Sinbad in the Army with dogs), and in the contract they locked me up for another two movies for slightly more money each time. But at the bottom of every page was writ in small letters: “We can terminate this contract for any reason at any time for perpetuity and eternity in this and every other conceivable universe and pay you NOTHING.” I asked my agent and she said I could tell everybody I had a three-picture deal with Disney. Even though I didn't really. And that, in a nutshell, is Hollywood, baby.

But the thought of telling the truth about myself made me hot and clammy, sticky and jittery, teeth tearing into cuticles till they bled. I was much more comfortable working on my buddy script about two 12-year-olds who go to Vegas and beat the mob. Or my mobster-becomes-a-vampire script. Or my “Some Like It Hot” cross-dressing baseball script.

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The worst of Valentine’s Day

I've always been a tad suspicious of the consumerist motivations behind Valentine's Day -- but that was before I became a "sex and relationships" writer. Now I'm a conspiracy theorist wearing a tinfoil-hat made of Hershey's Kisses wrappers. You need only take a glimpse of my in box around this time of year -- or better yet, actually read through the dozens of the scheming, hackneyed and downright bizarre V-Day pitches you'll find there -- to understand why.

I'm a fan of laughing instead of crying -- especially when it comes to the ceremonial excess of Feb. 14 -- so I bring you this year's 10 worst attempts to capitalize on Cupid's holiday.

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Valentine’s Day slideshow

The ten weirdest attempts at capitalizing on Valentine's Day -- from juicing to pizza-scented perfume

I quit my job to make music

OK, tough guy, you asked for it.

I'm quitting my stupid job to make an album and work on my musicianship for hours a day.

So my question to you is, Why the hell would I want to do that?

Seriously, I can't figure out why I so desperately need to do it. It creeps up and bites me in the ass every day when I'm sitting in my ugly cube.

I guess a more pertinent question would be, What the HELL am I going to do every day? How do you be creative all day? How do I get up every morning with the energy to create something from nothing, for hours a day? Can I still take breaks for lunch?

Take that.

Bill

Dear Bill,

Wham. Ugh! Poof! Zouch! Wow.

Geez, man, go easy on me!

That was rough. Lemme get this straight. You are asking me why you would want to quit your job and play music? It makes perfect sense to me, because I've done it, and when I did it it made perfect sense.

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Town board imposes gag order on residents concerned with fracking

During my 12-year career as a newspaper reporter, I spent thousands of hours sitting through city council meetings, zoning board hearings, property tax appeals, school board work sessions, and just about every other kind of attention-sapping municipal meeting you could possibly imagine. (It wasn’t all bad: I met my wife at one.) At these meetings, it wasn’t uncommon for the same topics to come up over and over again, frequently with the same people making the same points about the same issues that everyone in attendance has heard a million times before. (Think “Parks and Rec” without any laughs.) So I sympathize, perhaps more than I should, with elected officials and public servants who would like to find a way to make topics they’ve heard about and debated endlessly just...go... away.

Still, I had never heard of a town that actually imposed a gag order on its own citizens, until the Natural Resources Defense Council (which publishes OnEarth) received complaints about a town board in Sanford, New York (population: 2,400), that told its residents they could no longer bring up concerns about fracking at town meetings.

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Olympic wrestling’s vicious takedowns won’t be forgotten

Wrestling has been a fixture of the Olympics since 708 B.C. and is considered by many to be the oldest competitive sport. So when the International Olympic Committee voted Tuesday to cut freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling from the 2020 games, it came as something of a shock. "I think this is a really stupid decision," the Olympic historian David Wallechinsky told the New York Times. "It has been in the modern Olympics since 1896. This is a popular sport."

Fans worldwide can enjoy freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling one last time in the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Games. But the days of spandex singlets appear to be numbered -- at least on the Olympic stage. To give the sport a proper send-off, we look back on some of its gnarliest, most brutal moments.

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Video shows NYPD brutalizing Queens teen

A video garnering viral attention Wednesday appears to show NYPD officers piling on top of Queens teenager Robert Jackson. The footage, caught on a cell hone in early January, shows two officers restraining the 19-year-old outside a YMCA. "I can't, I can't, please stop," the young man can be heard shouting while police demand he puts his hands over his head when he is pinned to the pavement.

The number of officers around the young man then increases to seven, and a number can be seen delivering punches and kicks to the restrained suspect. According to the New York Post, police arrested Jackson and charged him with obstructing governmental administration, resisting arrest, unlawful possession of marijuana and disorderly conduct. But Jackson is taking his case to the Civilian Complaint Review Board. His lawyer, Jacques Leandre, said he wants the charges to be dismissed because his client is “an innocent victim of police brutality.”

According to HuffPo, "photos released to the press show a gruesome, crescent-shaped wound that the 19-year-old sustained in the incident as his left cheek was ground into the cement sidewalk."

Warning, the video below includes graphic content:

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Ke$ha drinks urine in upcoming documentary

In case you were wondering what makes pop singer Ke$ha's life so crazy and so beautiful (which you will get to know intimately in her upcoming movie,"Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life"), it's that she drinks her own pee. When talking to BBC 1 about her upcoming home movie documentary, the "Tik Tok" singer said, "It's my brother and his weird friend following me around for the past two-and-a-half years. We didn't know what we were doing per se, but it's my little brother and he's my best friend. He's got me wasted at 6am ... He got all the things you would want to see and all the things you wouldn't really want to see - making out with dudes, drinking my own pee, jumping out of a building, jumping out of aeroplanes, swimming with sharks..."

She elaborated on the urine: "I was told drinking my own pee was good, I was trying to be healthy ... Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, 'That is mine!' So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don't do it anymore."

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Stop calling us wives and moms

In the wake of President Barack Obama's State of the Union, a petition is taking him to task for his habit of framing women's equality as a struggle to protect the rights of "wives, mothers, and daughters." The campaign was inspired by one line in particular from last night's speech in which Obama said, "We know our economy is stronger when our wives, mothers, and daughters can live their lives free from discrimination in the workplace and free from the fear of domestic violence."

A totally righteous argument, right? But the petition, which has 716 signatures at the time of this writing, says that this sort of language is "counterproductive to the women's equality the President is ostensibly supporting." It goes on to explain, "Defining women by their relationships to other people is reductive, misogynist, and alienating to women who do not define ourselves exclusively by our relationships to others. Further, by referring to 'our' wives et al, the President appears to be talking to The Men of America about Their Women, rather than talking to men AND women."

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House GOPer brags: “I was the first to call Obama a socialist”

Rep. Paul Broun, R-Ga., who is running for senate in 2014, played up his right-wing cred in a fundraising email, boasting that he was the first one to label President Obama "a socialist," also noting that his record and that of Ron Paul "are virtually identical."

As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, Broun has been publicly playing the cool contender since announcing his run last week. But on the side to potential donors, he's brandishing his Tea Party background. "I was the first Member of Congress to call him a socialist who embraces Marxist-Leninist policies like government control of health care and redistribution of wealth," Broun wrote in an email.

He continued:

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Are liberals being hypocrites about Obama’s wars?

The Atlantic's resident thoughtful apostate conservative Conor Friedersdorf published a piece this morning arguing that progressives who furiously fought against Bush's "war on terror" have internalized many of its central tenets, now that it's being waged by Barack Obama. Friedersdorf says liberals made various critiques of Bush's foreign misadventures -- that they caused "blowback," that they were an abuse of executive power, and that they implied a forever war without any possibility of an ending -- that they are now largely not making against Obama, even though all those arguments still apply.

The reason for this, according to Friedersdorf, is that everyone hated Bush and knew he was incompetent, but people like Obama because he's clearly smart and conscientious, which causes people to defend actions they would have criticized under his predecessor:

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Gag orders silence Israeli press

JERUSALEM (AP) -- Israel's military censor, which has long served as the country's guardian of state secrets, is suddenly under the microscope following a pair of sensitive reports broken by the international media.

An Australian broadcaster's story this week about the suspicious death of an Australian-Israeli prisoner held by Israel, following foreign reports of an Israeli airstrike in Syria last month, have revealed the limits of Israel's decades-long censorship rules and court-imposed gag orders. In today's Internet age, many are now asking whether these restrictions are even relevant.

The idea behind the objections is that in today's communications environment, when everybody is essentially a publisher with a potentially worldwide audience, to censor "the media" is somehow akin to censoring conversation itself, which Israel, as a democracy, would never conceive of doing.

"(Gag orders) are a tool that can't deal with the media reality we live in: a globalized, hyper-connected, hyper-fast world. There is no real way to control the spread of information," said Yuval Dror, an expert in digital communications.

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Hagel’s fight unprecedented

If there’s any doubt remaining that we’ve ventured into uncharted territory on the use of the filibuster, this should put it to rest.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid this afternoon filed a cloture motion to break the Republican filibuster and end debate on the nomination of Chuck Hagel to head the Department of Defense.

“This is the first time in the history of our country that a presidential nominee for secretary of defense has been filibustered. What a shame. But that's the way it is,” Reid said on the Senate floor.

The move, while unprecedented, was not unexpected. It means that Democrats now need 60 votes to get Hagel confirmed, which could be a tall order, as only two Republicans have said they’ll vote for their former Senate colleague. But as Steve Kornacki pointed out, Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain may vote on cloture to help Dems get to 60, even though he will probably vote “no” on the final confirmation vote. Others senators concerned about the dangerous precedent set by the Hagel filibuster may join him.

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Betty Friedan started a revolution — and we’re still not there yet

Middle age is not generous to females. A man in his sixth decade can, like Alec Baldwin just this week did, proudly announce imminent parenthood with one's yoga instructor spouse. He can be a George Clooney, appearing on magazine covers looking like the guy every guy wants to be. But for women, it's different. As Tina Fey once said, "The definition of 'crazy' … is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore." And that would generally be sometime soon after 30. But Betty Freidan's groundbreaking "Feminine Mystique," which turns 50 this week, is celebrating its milestone by getting a fresh shower of attention -- showing both just how remarkably it's aged and how stunningly topical it still is.

Friedan's book was a wallop of a tome, a peek behind the placid façade of the happy homemaker and into the dark heart of a seemingly enviable segment of American womanhood. Educated women, with their nice families and pretty homes, Friedan revealed, weren't fulfilled by staying at home and waxing their floors. They needed more. And by starting the conversation about that need, by making it OK for women to want something else, Friedan helped start a revolution.

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Catholic school assistant principal fired over pro-gay marriage comments

A Catholic high school assistant principal was fired Monday over a personal blog post in support of gay marriage.

Following a heated debate with friends over President Obama's comments in his inaugural address about the rights of gay Americans, Mike Moroski from Purcell Marian High School took to his personal blog and explained his position on marriage equality:

"I unabashedly believe that gay people SHOULD be allowed to marry. Ethically, morally and legally I believe this. I spend a lot of my life trying to live as a Christian example of love for others, and my formation at Catholic grade school, high school, 3 Catholic Universities and employment at 2 Catholic high schools has informed my conscience to believe that gay marriage is NOT something of which to be afraid.

To me, it seems our time would be much better spent worrying about the economy, our city’s failing pensions, retaining our big business neighbors and finding creative, efficient, effective ways to fund our excellent Cincinnati Public Schools.

Not much time left over to worry about gay people marrying one another."

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Beyoncé reveals all — or nothing?

Beyoncé’s self-directed, self-produced documentary all about herself, “Life Is But a Dream,” premieres on HBO this Saturday, following weeks of high-profile Beyoncé-ing, at the inauguration and the Super Bowl, and with much more Beyoncé-ing soon to come. Beyoncé’s persona has always been an exercise in extreme control, control so complete and perfect it’s sometimes indistinguishable from omnipotence. The woman — or, as some would put it, the robot, which is exactly the point — does not mess up, part of why the recent lip-syncing at the inauguration incident became such a melée, the rare human misstep, ultimately resolved with an overpowering show of vocal force.

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Todd Akin: Rove is “trying to get rid of conservatives”

Todd "legitimate rape" Akin finally weighed in on Karl Rove's and American Crossroads' efforts to ensure that another Todd Akin doesn't make it through a primary. “It may be another example of big-government conservatism, to try to bypass primaries,” Akin told the Hill. “If they were successful, it basically helps kill the grassroots heart of the party. I think it’s very non-constructive.”

Akin was responding to the Conservative Victory Project, an effort by Crossroads to fund mainstream Republicans in primary races to ensure that unelectable conservatives, like Akin, don't make it to the general election.

Akin added that the Conservative Victory Project is a "misleading" name, and the group “is trying to get rid of conservatives, which is very thinly disguised."

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“Beautiful Creatures”: A left-secular answer to “Twilight”?

I greatly enjoyed the camped-up teen angst of “Beautiful Creatures,” but I also suspect it might be analogous to those children’s books that are not so secretly meant for grown-ups. (My kids, for example, find the irony of the Lemony Snicket books impenetrable, and the adventures overly dark.) Adapted by writer-director Richard LaGravenese from a young-adult bestseller by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, “Beautiful Creatures” plays like a funnier, edgier, Southern-gothic knockoff of the “Twilight” universe, with a distinct liberal-secular sensibility and without the virginal sexuality, po-faced seriousness or undertones of Christianity.

Precisely those factors – along with the fact that the movie’s real stars are Jeremy Irons and Emma Thompson, in scenery-chewing supporting roles – may well reduce its appeal to teenage girls, who presumably crave the ultra-earnest romantic intensity of the Twi-verse. I’d love to be proven wrong on that forecast, but for now I’ll just insist that “Beautiful Creatures” is surprisingly fun, and deserves much more of a look from adult viewers than it’s likely to get. LaGravenese, a Hollywood veteran with a wobbly but intriguing résumé that goes clear back to his Oscar-nominated screenplay for “The Fisher King” in 1991, has wrestled considerable humor, emotion and atmosphere from this pulpy and derivative material.

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Shrewd takedown of Rachel Cusk’s “Aftermath” wins Hatchet Job of the Year Award

Camilla Long is now the proud winner of a hatchet, a large red cake and a year’s supply of potted shrimp, all thanks to her biting Sunday Times review of Rachel Cusk's "Aftermath." The dubious gifts are a part of the Hatchet Job of the Year Award, an annual honor bestowed by U.K.-based literary website Omnivore to a critic who writes the "angriest, funniest, most trenchant book review" of the past 12 months.

Long's review beat vitriol spewed from the likes of Ron Charles on Martin Amis, Zoe Heller on Salman Rushdie, and Suzanne Moore on Naomi Wolf. One the award's judges, Lynn Barber, told the Guardian, "I thought what was wonderful about Camilla's review was that it totally hatcheted the book, but in such an intriguing way that I then thought I must read 'Aftermath' – and did, and loved it because it was just as weird as Camilla said," said Barber. "So a hatchet job isn't necessarily a turnoff."

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Making gun control inevitable

Barack Obama has become nothing if not a man of moral imperatives lately, with guns, gays and immigration topping his list of social issues.

The crescendo of his State of the Union speech elevated his newfound cause of gun control reforms as a crisis of conscience for the Congress. “They deserve a vote,” he implored repeatedly, ticking off a list of shooting victims as he urged lawmakers to move on his package of gun safety proposals.

But the president extended an olive branch to conservatives on immigration in the speech. He played up the need for strong border security, highlighting the fact that illegal crossings are at “their lowest levels in 40 years.” He also advocated that undocumented immigrants be obligated to meet certain requirements like paying back-taxes and learning English before being eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship — stipulations that have been shown to increase conservative support for what has become a progressive virtue in immigration reform, a pathway to citizenship.

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